Fortune magazine lists the world’s wealthiest people, a practice in our culture of holding up those who have amassed great fortunes as if they were great people, examples of the greatest people in a society that measures a person’s worth in dollars. Some of these billionaires may be great people, but is it their wealth that makes them great?
What is it that makes a person worthwhile?
If I ask what you are worth, chances are you will think of net worth, in dollars, the bottom line on a balance sheet that lists your assets and liabilities.
I am going to ask you to change. I am going to ask you to consider that some of your beliefs about yourself and your worth have been wrong. I am going to ask you to consider some ways of thinking that may be totally alien to your cultural and family beliefs.
SELF-ESTEEM AND WHY WE NEED IT.
The word esteem refers to an estimate of value. Our self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves. It is what we think of when we wonder if we are really worth anything, if we are good enough, if we count.
Experts in psychology have said that high self-esteem and high self-regard are absolute necessities to our health and well-being, to our wholeness. It is important because we will not save anything that is worthless — we will let it go to waste. Unless we value something highly, we will not bother to care for it; we’ll be prone to throw it out.
People who have low self-esteem have a big problem. They have unconscious processes that fail to care for them, that throw them out. It is like they have programming that tells them not to bother doing what it takes to thrive. We will only preserve and promote what has value, so if we have low self-esteem, we fail to take care of ourselves, to do what it takes to thrive. If we have high self-esteem, we automatically do what it takes to be well, survive and thrive.
If we have an adorable puppy that we love like crazy we will do whatever it takes to make sure it’s ok. We’ll treat it like royalty and give it all manner of treats and toys, and let it live in the lap of luxury. But if we find ourselves with a mangy cur, we are prone to neglect it, leave it out in the cold, maybe even give it away, not caring if it lives or dies.
When you think of yourself, do you think of yourself as the precious adorable puppy, or the good-for-nothing miserable dog? This is important, because you will receive treats and luxuries, or be left out in the cold, depending on how you value yourself.
It is extremely important how we value ourselves, what measures we use. We are in trouble if we use net worth, earnings, career, houses, education, popularity, looks, or just about any other measure we’ve been led to believe in. You may come up short and decide you’re not worth much, not worth saving. And even if you measure up well now, and you think you’re hot stuff, what happens if you lose your money, or your station, or your job, or your looks, etc. etc.?
YOUR SYSTEM OF VALUING, YOUR FAITH, IS A MATTER OF CHOICE.
While you may think that your family or your culture has thrust a value system on you, it is truly a matter for you to decide. You decide your values, what is worthwhile, and what is important. You are the one who decides what makes a person worthwhile.
It is true that others may judge you by your appearance, your speech, your education, your wealth, or any number of other things they think are important and valuable. But it is for you to decide if they are right. Are they the authority for you, the source of the truth about all things? Is theirs the belief system that you embrace?
The Holy Scriptures of many faiths teach that material treasures and many other sources of pride are short-lived false measures of worth, even illusions that blind us to a higher truth. Things like money and social status and good looks do not stand the real tests of time and life, but pale compared to things like honor, kindness, integrity, honesty, service, and love. You know in your heart that a rich heartless bastard will have nothing if the money disappeared, while a Mother Theresa will always be surrounded by supporters and well wishers, no matter what her circumstances.
A self-centered millionaire is not worth much compared to a mentally handicapped welfare recipient who is kind-hearted and helps the frail elderly. Ask the frail elders who are helped.
An actor who makes millions and abuses people is not worth much compared to a minimum wage day care worker who gently cares for the welfare of the children. Ask the children. Ask their parents.
You are challenged at every turn to decide what to believe about yourself, about what is important, what has value, and what really counts when all is said and done. And you may have adopted ideas that are contrary to the truth at the center of your soul. You may have habits of believing falsehoods that were planted by lost souls.
What makes a person worth saving? What makes them deserving of a happy and abundant life? What makes them important? What gives a person value?
UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE SELF-REGARD
Psychologist Carl Rogers concluded that we experience a magical power for self improvement and success when we are able to experience unconditional positive regard for ourself as well as others. With this, there is an absence of judgment, an absence of evaluating things based on conditions of worth. This is where life is seen through a loving heart. It is the ability to accept our experience and process it, learn from it, no matter what it is, and always regard ourselves in an absolutely accepting way. It is unconditional love for ourselves. It is believing that we are ok, that we have great potential, that we deserve a shot at the good things in life, that we deserve them. It is believing that we have importance and special value in the scheme of things, a value in the world we are a part of.
The usual example of this kind of positive regard is the unconditional love mothers usually have for their child. Incredibly, even when a person has seemed to sink to the lowest levels of humanity, where they have committed heinous crimes and are on death row, the mom is often still there for her child, thinks of him or her as precious and wants the best for her baby. Her love is not contingent on any conditions, and she wants her child saved, believing he or she can get better, and to her, her baby is the most important thing on earth. Spiritual people say that this is the love that God has for us, that the creator has for its creation. Rogers talked about having this kind of regard for others and for ourselves. Loving, not judging. Seeing ourselves as valuable, just because we are, just because we are a child of the universe, as any mom’s child is. Rogers’ therapy taught us to love the child and hate the hateful behavior instead of hating the child. Rogers was convinced that the way to well-being in all realms was through unconditional positive regard, unconditional love.
We experience a tremendous power for well being when we can love ourselves, independent of the conditions of our experience. In other words, when we have high self-esteem, regardless of our status, wealth, looks, job, personality, our past, or any other factor you can think of, we experience a mystical power to foster our maximum well-being. In other words, self-esteem creates the conditions, rather than the other way around. You don’t create high self-esteem by achieving lofty conditions — you create lofty conditions by believing in your own intrinsic worthiness, by having high self-esteem as a matter of intentional belief, faith — by being loving.
If you had a mom and dad who loved you no matter what, you know what it is to be regarded with unconditional love, high value, and acceptance. But many people did not have this experience. Loving ourselves is not so easy when we have believed in something else. Loving ourselves is even harder if you have never experienced being loved like that. In this case you need to turn elsewhere for the lessons you should have received.
You are a part of creation, as worthy of your place here as any other living being in nature and all its beauty, every plant or animal on earth. Those forms of life are all important in the big picture and so are you. The universe that scientists study has not given birth to a single atom without its place and reason to be, a cause of its existence. Religious teachers say that God created you with and for a purpose, loves you just for being here, regards you as its most precious child, and always will.
Listen to the teachers who tell you they know that you are important and precious beyond measure, no matter what. You are special and important to creation, no matter what you may have heard or believed in the past. You are precious, like the adorable puppy, and you deserve what you need, deserve what it takes to thrive, just as nature’s plants and animals are provided what they need by the natural world.
THE MISTAKE OF GUILT, THE WOUND OF SHAME
I grew up in a culture that believed in guilt and blame, even preached it, but I have come to find out it is a mistake.
We have been taught to judge, to find fault, and to shame, blame and punish. But those who taught us this were lost souls.
Better teachers have warned against judging and blaming. Judging and fostering guilt and shame are mistakes with terrible consequences, damaging wounds. We reap what we sow, we get what we give. If we judge others, we judge ourselves by the same standard. If we seek to blame and punish, we are subject to the same kind of punishment. There is another way to respond to mistake, by correcting and forgiving.
